Tonight, sportswriter Patrick “The Mullet” Witwicki will make his television debut when he begins broadcasting on Channel 10. His sometime editor Chris Armstrong sat down with Witwicki to discuss his new project.
Chris Armstrong: Why did you ever think your ugly face should be on television?
Patrick Witwicki: Hey man, ladies dig the mullet. They can’t resist it. You ever see the Beatles in their prime, when they were being chased around by girls? It’s exactly like that.
CA: Do you realize you just compared yourself to all four Beatles?
PW: When you’ve got it, you’ve got it. And I am better than Ringo. Much better.
CA: So you’re starting this TV show that’s going to focus exclusively on North Coast sports. Why are you so obsessed with athletic events in this small corner of the country?
PW: I’ve always loved reading and writing about sports, so no matter where I go, I just get hooked.
CA: I’ve been forced to read all the stories you’ve submitted to Muskeg News. And when I really had nothing to do, I’d read your stuff in the Daily News. I’ve noticed that your stories feature a lot of historical context, sometimes too much. How can you stand to include so much irrelevant minutiae into your stories?
PW: Well, obviously you went to an inferior journalism school than I did, because I was taught you actually should put stories into their proper context. I know, sounds ridiculous. But even more than that, the names I put into the story showcase the community to itself. As do the remembrances of the Big Games. When people read those names, or remember some of the more memorable events played out on the courts or the ice, it collectively binds us together, and makes the community stronger.
CA: You’re just sucking up to your audience now.
PW: At least I’ve got an audience. What do you have, a couple hits a day on your amateur website?
CA: I’ll have you know that I have over 800 Facebook friends.
PW: That’s because your personality prohibits having actual friends.
CA: Ouch.
PW: Hey man, I’m not just good looks and charm. This snake’s got bite.
CA: What the hell does that mean?
PW: Think about it.
CA: (Pause) Yeah, it’s nonsense to me.
PW: That’s what I say every time I read your stories on Muskeg News.
CA: I don’t have to publish your stuff, you know.
PW: Oh no, how will I ever afford to live without the pittance that you pay me? Woe is me.
CA: All right, let’s get back to the topic at hand. What can we look forward to seeing on your show?
PW: I’ll be having guests on from the local sports world, and we’ll be discussing sports issues and events that matter to people in Prince Rupert.
CA: Okay, that covers the first five minutes. What will you be doing to fill the rest of your air time?
PW: You’re a barrel of monkeys, aren’t you? Look, there’s lots of stuff going on in Rupert, sports-wise. The biggest basketball event of the year is happening next week. The Rampage are making their way to the playoffs, and as host city, they’ve got a guaranteed spot in the Coy Cup. And I haven’t even touched upon the Rainmakers, who are going through their final year at Prince Rupert Secondary. On top of that, there’s a strong track-and-field sports squad at Charles Hays. And the outdoorsy activities around town, from skiing to mountain-biking, are always good grist for the mill. Despite your cynicism, there’s lots of stuff going on in Rupert sports, and I could just talk about it for hours and hours.
CA: That could definitely help insomniacs out.
PW: What is that supposed to mean?
CA: What are you, five years old? Must I explain my jokes to you?
PW: You call those jokes? You should take your show on the road so I can heckle you. I would pay to see that.
CA: Narcissist.
PW: Despair-monger.
CA: Small-town hack.
PW: Never-was publisher.
CA: I can’t even bear to be in the same room as you anymore. Just say your final plug for your show and get out of my sight.
PW: The first show will air live tonight at 6 p.m. We’re filming once every two weeks in Charley’s Lounge at the Crest. Check us out on Channel 10.
CA: Thank you, Patrick. Now go back to the trailer park where you belong.
PW: You just have to get the last word, don’t you?
CA: It’s my paper.
PW: I wouldn’t brag about that, if I were you.